I have been building the Not All Who Launder Are Washed website for about five months. When it launched six weeks ago, I really didn’t know what it would become. To be honest, the jury is still out. However, based on feedback and comments, I believe it’s time to examine the possibilities. Come sit on the front porch. You can sit in my favorite swing or maybe you prefer the rocking chair?
I’m glad that you cannot open the door and see the back room. There are piles of discarded scripts, research books, all the pictures of my youth. Unfinished or unedited articles meant for another time. Scrapbooks of all the journeys I’ve taken, and lots and lots of baggage. Scuffed and distressed leather conveyances filled with the lessons of life. Memories- some brutally painful, some bittersweet, and some mind-blowingly glorious. All were designed to bring me to this very place- that make me who I am. We all have a back room like this, don’t we?
Seriously, I am overwhelmed with the response to this blog. Many of your comments deal with my honesty and vulnerability. I am aware that this can make some people uncomfortable, but my only goal is to present truth and fact from a personal perspective. Never in a narcissistic or self-aggrandizing way, but with a sincere desire to help other people. My hope is that some of my stories will resonate and may prompt a conversation that would be fulfilling for others. I perceive that in this world of isolation, there is catharsis in shared or mutual experiences. At the very least, misery loves company, right?
It’s been 5 1/2 years now since I made the decision to follow Christ, but I’ve only just recently come to realize He’s been following me my entire life. I believe His Word that says He knitted me together in the womb and knew me before I was born. I’ve always been honest about my conversion experience- my Saul of Tarsus moment. I didn’t immediately become a poster child for the perfect Follower of Christ, but my heart did undergo some very successful spiritual surgery. I would struggle with alcoholism for a couple more years before my chains were finally broken. I’ve never been the same and it’s truly a miracle for which I am eternally grateful.
Today is Father’s Day, and I am seeing lots of photographs and messages of love to fathers everywhere on social media. Many are alive; some are deceased. Indeed, I lost my own father this past week. Because we were estranged after a lifetime of abuse, I have nothing positive to write. However, I have a poem that a friend has encouraged me to share. It’s pretty rough around the edges, but it tells my story. My prayer is that it will help someone else that is having a difficult time this Father’s Day.
I never knew the love of a father, Until I knew the love of THE Father…
Ridicule so searing; confused by the leering
Not sure what I’m hearing, but my mind is now clearing
No more hurt means no more fearing,
Path wide open to arms that are caring
I used to be anxious about everything, Until I became anxious for nothing…
Reeling in pain, I’m kneeling again
Start feeling the love shining down from above
Without any warning, a new day is dawning…
Asking prayerfully; listening carefully
Receiving cheerfully; accepting tearfully
Hateful turns grateful; spiteful delightful.
I thought I was sick in the head, Until I found out I was sick in the heart…
Before I knew what life was all about,
a hole in my heart let the love leak out.
Full of self-loathing, with a spirit of fear
No hope for the future- just darkness, despair.
Fists now unclenched, as thirst is quenched
A fertile oasis appears.
On parched desert ground,
where new love is found
Hope and joy replaces the tears.
I thought I was doomed for destruction, Until I became a child of God…
Elohim, Yahawashi, Ha Maschiach, El Shaddai
Many names for my Father above; many reasons for seeking His love.
Called are many, but the chosen are few-
Out with the old man, in with the new.
Now I know my life will never be the same-
I’ve traded dirty rags for riches in Your Name.
Out of Darkness, into light-
I’m growing wings and taking flight.
No more chains I’m free- Your blood has rescued me.
Where once I was hellbound, You now hold me spellbound.
Could not resist Your beckoning as I hurtled toward my reckoning.
I now have all I need and I’m just following Your lead.
I’ve left the crazy life behind- I’m gentle, patient, kind.
You turned my dark to light; touched my eyes and gave me sight.
When I act boldly, You’re there to hold me;
When I step out blindly, You always find me.
This world cannot discourage me- Your Word it will encourage me.
When all my days have passed, and I gaze at You at last;
Standing all alone, before Your great white throne.
There’s a battle waging, but the war’s already won.
Heavenly Father, I am ready-let Your Kingdom come.
For all of you reading this who have been blessed with wonderful fathers, I wish you a joyful day. For those who have not had a good experience, I encourage you to add a comment or something that is on your heart. Prose or poetry, you can dump it here. You can name it and claim it, be anonymous or send me a private message that goes nowhere but into my heart. Love and peace to all.
Great post Marie!
Thanks so much, Tim. Happy Father’s Day!
Idolized my father growing up…..grew to understand at some point that he had “..one foot in the closet.” He was by far the kinder, gentler, more humane parent….